Divorced, Finding your way

Running away from Hurt

Growing up as a Christian you kind of know the right from the wrong, and thats because you were taught on what you are suppose to do and what you are not suppose to do. It is always in the back of your mind, and you are fully aware of what you are doing but yet and still, you just want to do what you want to do, right? Somehow, knowing all of that never stopped me from making any bad decisions in life and as soon as I made a bad decision, the after math would always hit me like a ton of bricks. God, why did I do that, is always the question following after I chose to do the opposite of what I knew was right. Its been proven time after time that God will never leave you, nor foresake you, he will always be there to redirect you to the right path, but its best to listen when he speaks the first time. There are always lessons that will be learnt no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times you bump your head, God will keep you in that state until you get understand what you need to change or fix in your life. It will save a lot of heart break and confusion, if we  just do the right thing the first time. Trust me it will get better but sometimes we have to go through somethings in order to grow. It is true you do reap whatever you sow and whatevers done in the dark will always come to the light…one way or another. I use to hate when my parents use to say that to us (myself and my siblings), at that time im like sure it will. Hahaha the jokes on me right?! In making decisions you have to weigh everything out by thinking of the good outcomes verses the bad outcomes. In everything that you do, in every test that you go through there is always an outcome, and lets be clear, I want to be on the winning side. Its not so easy being faced with difficult situations that you could have easily avoided.

 

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Just when you think you have done everything right as a Christian…things take a turn and not for the better. After being married for 9 years with 3 children…I could no longer stay binded to an unhealthy marriage any more. I prayed (almost everyday) and I fast about my marriage (because I felt so alone and hurt) and one day I heard clearly from the Holy spirit to file for a divorce…he’s just not ready to change. After all my ex husband had become someone elses lover and bestfriend. He had given her the son that I always wanted…so on that note God had to deal with me. I took a turn for the worse, those were some of the darkest days that I had ever faced.

First, let me tell you how I got to this place of loneliness and rejection in my life. What started off beautiful was no longer a sight to see. What was once real love was now more hurt than anything…daily I was feeling like I no longer existed. The love was gone, completely gone but it took me a while to figure that out. No matter how hard I tried to set the tone he would ignore it or most of the time he was never around to even notice. I was still blinded by what I thought was love, the little time he did spend with me made me think there was still hope even through all the lies and the psychological bs that I put up with. I was still searching for that perfect relationship that we both once knew..but it was never coming back. Too much had changed between us for it to ever go back to the way it was, for one the trust was out the door, honesty was out of the question. I wanted my bestfriend back but he was no where to be found, nor did he want to be found. I was in this thing by myself putting up a façade for the world to see while crying at night holding my pillow. This was nothing like the movies I saw…this was a long and cold road to be on by myself. He drifted off to lala land while I was stuck in reality praying for more. He was lost in a world of lust, confusion, denial, love, hurt, betrayal, abortions, lie on top of lies…all of this going on behind our closed doors. He was no longer the man I knew. Lets just say I knew he was cheating and we had been going back and forth about it for a while. it never ever crossed my mind to actual leave my husband to save myself…I was hurting and could not understand why this was happening to me, this cant be my life.

I first found out about the first affair in 2007 with the first girl, and the second one in 2008. Looking back I cant believe I stuck around for anything else to happen. My heart was broken to pieces over and over again, he showed no mercy. I devoted myself to this marriage and to my girls there is no way that I was going to let this family sink. Never realizing that I was only in my own way, never letting God in…I was so unhappy. My heart turned so cold…the smiles were long gone..I couldn’t pull myself out of this one until I woke up.

We both had come out of church but I always prayed and visit from time to time however, he did not. I always ask myself why didn’t I just walk away the first time back in 07? Somehow, I still was in love with this man, my husband, the one who was suppose to protect me instead was the who was hurting me internally without really taking any notice of me. I became invisible to him and I started to feel resentment towards him he became a stranger in our home…there was definitely a stronghold over me that kept me bond to that situation. I know that I wanted better but I had no way of knowing how to make it happen. We went through the verbal abuse and the fights we had alone with each other…I never wanted people to know what was really going on for some reason so I turned drinking into my friend at times. Every night after work I came home with a bottle of wine or beer just to numb myself, I no longer wanted to feel the heaviness of my heart, it also cleared my mind from the unwanted thoughts. I was trapped in my mind, at work it was even worse because all I could do was think about how miserable my life was. I eventually stopped talking to my co workers I just came to work to work and leave…back home to me and my girls. This was my everyday routine. Nothing ever changed except for the times he would lie and say how much he wanted and needed his family, then we were happy, again.

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I redirected my interest…after awhile i gave up and figured this could work as long as we came home to each other every night. He was out doing his thing and so was I, but I still felt a void so that didnt work out too much longer. I longed for my husband…I truly missed my bestfriend. It was not until march of 2010, that it all got real for me, a little too real if you ask me. I got an email from a stranger on Facebook congratulating me on being a step mom…I told him that he had the wrong person, but in fact he had the right one. He gave me names, dates, and times…there was no mistake about it. My husband, son was coming and coming soon but what did he do?? Lie until he could not lie anymore and I was sick of it. It felt like someone had ripped my heart to little pieces and then picked it back up and cut it even deeper. My world had come to an end (so I thought). I didn’t wanna eat, I didn’t wanna be around not another person, in fact the thought of people just depressed me even the more. I had no choice but to cry on my mommy shoulder while she held me. Telling me your stronger than this…at this time i couldnt see my strength but at this very moment looking back…she told me nothing but the truth.My feelings were so hurt and I just kept asking the Lord why God why???? And he told me that he has a plan for my life…sometimes you have to go thru somethings in order to tell your story. So, this is me giving you just a piece of my story.
At this point me and my girls moved back with my parents and I would just lock myself in the room and would just cry, cry, and cry. I eventually lost myself in this process…I would go to work, with my hat on, I would try not to cry on the phone while talking to the customers, I did not want to speak to no one, afterwards, I would go home to my bed. I just remember thinking this can’t be life but it was….it was my life, my story! Looking back I thank God for that person on Facebook, because I would probably had never found out. Until this day I still do not know who actually sent me the message but it was most definitely a life changer for me.

Eventually, I did get back into church, my mom dragged me to church ( I promise just to go one night and I never stopped going). I was literally the walking dead! The Pastor called me up for prayer and asked me to get rebaptized…she knew my heart was broken and only God could heal it. So…I did, I was rebatized that night and when I came up from that water I felt so much lighter, God had lifted my world off my shoulders. My skin even became lighter something happened in that water. I forgave my husband and tried to make it work but his heart still wasnt back to me. I was on a new faith walk and was believing God to turn things around but that was not Gods plan for me..not at all. Although, my husband said he wanted us to make it work and that he wanted his family, he still never gave me (us) his all…his heart and mind was with his other family. It was sad because I could see the confusion in his face its hard to believe but we were still connected and it made me feel sad for him. He was lost and so was I…

Can a person really be in love with two people? I believe the answer is, yes! Its possible I watched it with my own eyes.  Our situation never got any better in fact it had gotten worse but yet I was feeling okay but only through the grace of God. I had to realize that if he wanted to change he would. He was in a battle of his own…I had to let go and let God deal with him in his own way and his own timing. So, that’s what I did…meanwhile we had baby girl number 3 and what should of been a happy time in my life was not. Instead I blamed myself for letting this happen again just as I thought I was letting go. I went to the abortion clinic alone for my first appointment, the second appointment he drove me to the door but neither of us had the heart to go through with it…thinking this can finally be a baby boy, so I kept my baby. Needlessly to say, we both were not ready for this but what could we do, she was here. This pregnancy I basically went through it on my own…God was showing me my strength back then. Him still cheating and lying I was over it…just done! I really thought that it would get better once she was here…yeah he was around a little more but that was it. I could do nothing but cry and feel as though everyone was talking about me behind closed doors. I felt alone and a little worthless! I beat myself up a lot. As time went on I gained a little more direction I began to want more out of life…feeling stuck so I just prayed and went to church until I got clarity and understanding for my life.

One day after being shown pictures of my husband online with his mistress and their son it was a wrap. I had to stop running from our issues and take in everything that was going on. It was sweetest day and I had been waiting for him all day to show up so that we could go out but he never came. It was just unbelievable that I could not get mad. I just knew that it was time to remove myself from this situation because it wasn’t healthy for me. I believe within that same week of me fasting and getting my answer from the Lord, I filed for a divorce. Cheating is grounds for divorce for some that dont know. I told him that I filed but like always he thought it was a joke…a week later he was served through the mail. He act as if he could not understand it, he broke down and begged me not to do it but I had to move forward. The passionate sex wasnt working any longer although that day he touched me in ways i had been wanting for but I had only heard this same story so many times before…in the back of my mind I was hoping for a change for the better, but it never came. Not saying that i was perfect, but I had no pictures on instagram with me and my other family…I did not have pictures posted of me kissing another guy like it was completely over. I had no choice but to disconnect my heart again and let it go….I had to give it to God. I could not of made it this far without God. Whats done in the dark will always come to the light I am a firm believer of that. I gave my all so many times but that last time was the final straw…my exact words are “your gonna regret this but people like you will have to learn the hard way.” He laughed it off but now its not so funny anymore because he now seem so lost at times and always bringing up the good old days. I just think to myself please just let it go…Im tired of hearing about it. I pray that he finds his way all the time..I just can no longer help him find it…he is finally free now, right? He thinks I have no feelings but the truth is what he’s going through now I had already went through it all those years of being unhappy…I cried almost everyday but he doesn’t get why I’m not bothered by the divorce. I’m just a little over it, is all  the grace of God is all that comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong were still friends and there for each other for our girls I’m just saying that I am no longer his backbone. and this he can feel.

Divorced after 9 years of marriage, not to mention the three little girls I have to guide and protect…they are basically all I have out of what was suppose to be a family.  My twenties are gone…hello thirty im sure we will a great beginning, middle, and ending!

I believe this is just another test of my faith, so that’s what keeps me holding on…because I know that God has a greater plan for me and my family.  The only way to look is upto God…he is my guiding light in my time of need. I thank you for taking the time out to read this. May God Bless!

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